Increasing Frustration

July 17, 2017

My friend, Stasia has severe Cerebral palsy and is a professional painter.  She paints using her head.  She is like me, dedicating countless hours to our craft.  We spend time together going to places and talking in our special language.  She understands the ups and downs of having a career unlike most people with disabilities, who sit watching TV or have jobs.  I love her, but I love any woman, who shows interest in me.  She is taken of course.  It is easier for an educated disabled woman to find a boyfriend because a male can pick her up.  It takes a special woman to love a man with a severe physical disability.  I have a lot to offer a woman but I can’t give her much.  I hate being alone.  Will I always be alone?  Fooling around isn’t enough anymore or writing all of the time.  I want a woman to go out with, talk to, and make love to.  She is out there somewhere.  I have been emailing women instead of writing.

Two Years, Mom …

July 14, 2017

Mom has been gone for two years now.  Sometimes I wonder why I’m still here.  According to my staff I’m rude, selfish, disrespectful and a brat.  Suicide enters into my mind, but I keep moving forward making decisions.  I had a plan to kill myself this week.  Sometimes I just want to die.  I’m tired, Mom.  I wear so many hats these days.  It reminds me of the rainbow a couple of days after you passed.  I was in a parking lot, waiting for my cousin to come out of a store.  It was downpouring for several minutes.  I was talking to you.  Rain rattled against the van’s windows.  I had just hired my care agency, becoming a man.  I was bewildered and lost.  The skies cleared and a beautiful rainbow appeared.  The rainbow lit the sky against the blue horizon.  Of course, i looked for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I thought that I would be a New York author in a matter of days, changing my life forever.  Life did change and it took two years to get published.  Publicity is slow hard work, but people are buying the books.  The end of the rainbow is near now.  Another book is being written.  There will always be tough times.  I have realized that I’m loved by many people.  That’s a part of life, but there are rewards, too.  Some of you don’t want to know about.  Sorry Mom, but I have needs like every man does.  I will move onwards. 


July 3, 2017

“I don’t like her.  She is lazy and the house is a mess on the weekend, but the client likes her,” the case manager says on the phone.  “She will be gone soon,” the case manager says.  This care attendant works thirty two hours every weekend taking care of my roommates and me.  She is always on time.  The case manager likes a care attendant, who comes to work to sleep on the sofa and gets sick when he cleans up excrement.  The care manager likes this worthless attendant.  My favorite attendant knows how to fix my electric wheelchair and when it breaks she calls the fix people, telling them how fix it.  When I go out on Sunday, there is always is a home cooked meal waiting for me when I get back.  Who works every weekend and all weekend.  Who does that?
Let me take you out to eat.  Anytime and anyplace.  I miss you.  Love, Steve