January 4, 2017

I spent New Year’s Eve on the bus since the bars were having private parties.  So I rode around on the bus after the dispatcher let me ride for a few hours rather than coming home.  I look at the Christmas lights and I went by my friend’s apartment several times.  I have a career with two publishers and an agent.  Two books are coming out in a month.  I’m on the top of the world, meeting one of my publishers this week.  Most of the week, I worked with my other publisher and agent finalizing the second book.  I’m living an author’s dream which is something that the system said that I couldn’t do.  I have a career.  But something is missing.  There is no one to talk to share these moments with, hug me or pat me on the shoulder.  Someone that makes things better when nothing is going right like the TV jewelry commercial, “she is there for the good times and makes the hard times better.” Emailing my female friends isn’t enough sometimes.  I think about the “sisters,” who I dearly love.  My dad always said that I would regret my modesty.  I knew that he was right, but I hid my modesty for forty odd years.  I’m paying for it now.  So many opportunities lost for women and I blew it.  Stupid!  I know that she is out there somewhere.  Everywhere I that I go I look for her.  Where is she?  I asked God to help me find her tonight.  Without her I will feel empty and lost.

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